I dreamt of my ex last night. It was dreammy and romantic and we almost made love, but I stopped myself because I didn't want to cheat on HAM. Why can't I get him out of my subconcious? Why is he still there? Is it because of this memoir? I don't think so, because I thought about him and dreamt about him before I ever started writing. why does he have what seems to be a permanent hold on me? I want to call him. Not to get back together with him, but just to talk to him because I like him and I love him. I don't even want to be with him again--we're totally wrong for each other. I just want to be able to talk to him sometimes. He's interesting to talk to, and says such sweet things to me. I am a word person. HAM thinks that actions speak louder than words, and yes, that's mainly true. But words are important too. I love being told that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, that he wants to marry me and love me forever, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, that I taught him how to love and changed his life and all that shit. Maybe it's all total bullshit, but I don't care. It feels good to hear and I miss hearing it. I know when I dream about him, it's not about him, but about that feeling that someone truly loves me, that I am the center of their universe, that I am loved. HAM is kind, sweet, faithful, gentle, thoughtful, intelligent, funny, and an all around honorable and decent human being. I just wish he would make me feel like I'm the center of his universe. I wish he would look into my eyes and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and that he wants to love me forever. But he would never say that.
I guess what I wonder is, am I supposed to accept that? Are any healthy, non-abusive, honest men like that? Does someone like that even exist or am I living in a fairytale? Should I just be happy that I have a really fucking great guy who I can totally trust, or should I continue to search for more? Is that just being greedy? I mean, if all sane men are cool and collected, unromantic, and practical, then I should really just count my blessings. But if there are men out there who are intelligent, funny, sane, AND romantic and emotionally open, then I want one those ones!