Below is a flash version of the anthology from my memoir class at UW. You may recognize the name of one of the authors.

And here's an "oldie but goodie" that I thought I'd throw in for comic relief.

I tried to break up with HAM again a week ago. He said he would quit drinking, or that he would try his best, but didn't want to promise because he's an addict and doesn't trust his promises in regards to such matters. I tried to tell him about how I want t get married and how I want to move away to go to grad school, and how I probably want to have children one day. He said he would move with me to New York, but wouldn't move anywhere else until he finished his undergrad at UW. He is still opposed to marriage, and said he might want kids one day, but isn't sure, and definitely doesn't want them now. So we're still together and I'm trying to make the best of it. He said we could have sex more often. It's improved a bit, but then he got sick, and now I'm sick. We were going to try sleeping in the same bed together again, but since we've both been sick, we haven't done it yet. And honestly, we stopped for a reason. I just can't handle the snoring. I don't think that will change. I don't think it's right that we sleep separately. I don't think it's what a couple should do--especially one that has only been together for two years.

I dreamt of my ex last night. It was dreammy and romantic and we almost made love, but I stopped myself because I didn't want to cheat on HAM. Why can't I get him out of my subconcious? Why is he still there? Is it because of this memoir? I don't think so, because I thought about him and dreamt about him before I ever started writing. why does he have what seems to be a permanent hold on me? I want to call him. Not to get back together with him, but just to talk to him because I like him and I love him. I don't even want to be with him again--we're totally wrong for each other. I just want to be able to talk to him sometimes. He's interesting to talk to, and says such sweet things to me. I am a word person. HAM thinks that actions speak louder than words, and yes, that's mainly true. But words are important too. I love being told that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, that he wants to marry me and love me forever, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, that I taught him how to love and changed his life and all that shit. Maybe it's all total bullshit, but I don't  care. It feels good to hear and I miss hearing it. I know when I dream about him, it's not about him, but about that feeling that someone truly loves me, that I am the center of their universe, that I am loved. HAM is kind, sweet, faithful, gentle, thoughtful, intelligent, funny, and an all around honorable and decent human being. I just wish he would make me feel like I'm the center of his universe. I wish he would look into my eyes and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and that he wants to love me forever. But he would never say that.

I guess what I wonder is, am I supposed to accept that? Are any healthy, non-abusive, honest men like that? Does someone like that even exist or am I living in a fairytale? Should I just be happy that I have a really fucking great guy who I can totally trust, or should I continue to search for more? Is that just being greedy? I mean, if all sane men are cool and collected, unromantic, and practical, then I should really just count my blessings. But if there are men out there who are intelligent, funny, sane, AND romantic and emotionally open, then I want one those ones!