Speaking of problems...the worst problem for me is alcohol. It is really becoming a problem. So much so that I have looked up rehabs that accept my crappy insurance. Of course, I don't have time or money to go to rehab. And then there's the whole AA thing--I don't want to go back. I'm not religious and I don't like the shame-based philosophy or the smug people. I have looked up ways to stop drinking without AA and really there isn't much information available. It's mostly like, "avoid situations where you will be tempted to drink." I mean, what is a situation? Night time? It's not like I go out to clubs or hang around with a bunch of partiers. I drink at home, alone. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel so guilty. How do I stop? It's like, I know I'll do or say things that I'll regret, I know I'll feel guilty, I know I'll eat too much, I know I'll have a hangover--and then, I just start drinking! Sometimes I don't even want to drink, like I don't even have the craving, but there I am doing it like I've been programmed or something. Yes, I suppose this would be another instance of me communication with you by way of blog. The reason why I have to do it this way is because I don't drink the day before I come to see you, so I never have a hangover, therefore I feel that I don't have a problem. But the reality is that I hate this. I have to stop and I don't know how. I just keep fucking doing it. Do you have any idea what I can do? Can I create some kind of plan with you? Is there some type of therapy I should undergo? Is there an outpatient program I should be a part of? I just can't drink, it's ruining me. I have to lie to people and hide things and act like everything is okay when it's not. I told the nurse prac that I don't drink that much, I think I said maybe one or two drinks once a week. But I usually end up drunk, and it happens a lot. I am an alcoholic. I don't want to go back to how it used to be, but I see myself slipping away from myself. I really, really, really need help.

Last night we drank again. It wasn't much, just a glass of scotch and then a glass of wine several hours later. The problem for me is that even the smallest amount of alcohol has negative conequences for me. The nxt day is almost always ruined, and even if it's not ruined, I never feel that great. I usually walk around in a funk with a slight headache the entire day, wishing that it was tomorrow so I could wake up feeling good. There is absolutely no question at this point that I am still an alcoholic and drinking should not be part of my life. Unfortunately, it has become very difficult for me to stop. HAM drinks, my dad drinks daily, and now DL is in town and she drinks with my dad. Last night I actually saw her a bit toasty. I spend most of my days dreaming about the future. Future-tripping, I guess would be the unofficial term. I want to be out of this house. I refuse to blame anyone else for my choice to drink, but I will say it's a fuck of a lot harder to stop when it's always around me, on the lips of my boyfriend, a part of our lives. I don't crave alcohol, I crave health, yet I'm not addicted to health, so acheiving it is more difficult. It's so easy to just say, "fuck it" and have a drink when HAM drinks, or ask my dad for a glass of wine. It's hard to say no, it's hard to not ask, it's hard to no give in to temptation. My therapist said that he doesn't think my drinking is out of control, and he is right about that, it's not "out of control". I'm not spending my days and nights blacking out, doing regrettable things, ending up in the hospital, or even causing the slightest bit of concern in anyone around me. My therapist says, however, that I should not drink because of how it makes me feel about myself. That is a self-esteem deterrent. I agree with that, but I would add that I believe any drinking that I partake in is out of control in the sense that I have declared my desire not to drink, yet I do it anyway. I think it would be easier for me to be sober if alcohol wasn't in my home and if the people I love were not drinking so regularly. I'm sure it would also be easier if I were to return to AA, but that's just not gonna happen as long as I'm in Washington. God, I just want to get out of here. I don't believe in geographicals, I know they are something that alcoholics like to believe will work for them, but I do believe in a need for a change. I am so sick with allergies and stressed out by traffic, depressed by gray skies and constant drizzle, lonely without a dog, and angry that I am stuck living with my dad. I would take a tiny, dumpy apartment over this big, comfortable house if it meant that I was taking care of myself and making it on my own. I want it to be a year and half from now...now. God, I am sounding like such a classic AA definition of an alcoholic, but I need a place to vent and this is it. This is what all of us continue to think about, sober or not. We are all selfish, we all want what we want right now, we are inpatient, stressed out, pissed off, and resentful of our current situations. If you have a lifetime of alcoholic decisions behind you, of course you're not going to be satisfied with your present state of affairs, because the present state of affairs is a result of poor alcoholic decision making. It's not that every day is bad. It feels worse today because it is the day after doing something I have set out not to do. I have spacey and tired, weak and foggy. I just want out of this house and this city. I don't even care that I live in the Northwest anymore--it's really not the weather or the hills or the traffic, as many places have hills, bad weather, and miserable traffic. It's not the Northwest but what the Northwest represents for me. It represents failure to care for myself. It represents my old life and who I used to be. I am trying to become a new person, I even changed my name, yet here I am in my dad's house, working less than 10 hours a week, not writing as much as I should be, strung out on the internet, and drinking despite my desire for optimal health. I know the saying , "Wherever I go, there I am" is real. I don't think that moving away from here is going to "fix" me, but I do think it will be good for me. I am just so tired of waiting. I want to be there now. In AA they say, "You're exactly where you're supposed to be". Let's just say that is the truth. Then what am I to learn from my circumstances? Do I need to learn humility--should I just suck it up and go back to AA to face all the people who hurt me and let them feel so self-righteous about being kind to me, the one who relapsed? God, I can't think of anything worse. Can't I just admit that alcohol doesn't work for me without having to be around such cruel and abusive people? I would give AA a try in another state, where I wouldn't have to see those people. I know they exist everywhere, but the very specific individuals who hurt me--I don't think it would make sense for me to want to be around those people again, and eventually (for step 9) have to apologize to them, when they were the ones who are at fault. I don't know how I could ever see that differently. I was in pain and reached out for help, I showed up, I always showed up. I did my service work and I got berated for not doing it the right way. I asked for help and I got stood up twice, ignored, and rejected. I tried to make friends, as difficult as it was, and got humiliated. I just can't see myself having to be around those people again. Which is why getting away from this place would be good for me and I can't get out soon enough. I think I should look into summer writing retreats and see if there is any way I can spend the summer away from here, focused on my writing. I can't think of anything more important than writing for me, so why not. It would be the perfect excuse to escape. No one could argue with me, because it would be for my career, my future. I refuse to believe that things are going to suck forever. The future has to be better than right now, whether it's helpful to think that way or not. I will do my best to make the present bareable, but I know that the future will be better.

One of the great things I've decided over the last week or so is that I really don't care for drinking alcohol or smoking weed anymore. I don't enjoy getting drunk, and having just one glass of wine would be nice, but it always gives me a headache and a mild hangover the next day. It's just not worth it. And I thought I liked weed, but I don't know, I just changed my mind. It makes me feel dehydrated when I wake up the next day and I just hate feeling dehydrated. I'm not saying these things are off limits - I don't think it's good to be all or nothing about anything, but as a regular activity? I don't think so. This actually makes me really happy, because AA taught me that "one is too many and a thousand is never enough", but as it turns out, one is okay, but I could take it or leave it. Maybe I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic, maybe I am, all I know is, as of today, it doesn't do it for me like it once did. I'd rather have lots of energy at the gym, the desire to eat wholesome foods, and the hydration to do hot yoga (which we're doing tonight, btw). I feel better physically and mentally when I am free of those things. To me, those things seem to be the opposite of health. Healthy people don't inhale ANYTHING. It's disgusting and it's bad for you and it dehydrates you. I don't like anything that contributes to my dehydration except for coffee. And even that I have cut back to once a day. The rest of the day I drink water, water, water with lemon in it. It keeps my lips from feeling rough, it makes my skin look and feel smoother, it makes my hair shinier, my workouts better, and it keeps UTIs at bay. I have had recurrent UTIs for years and staying hydrated is the only thing that stops them. For years when I was drinking, and even after I quit and started living on coffee, I had UTIs and painful sex. I have had a million tests, been tested for STDs several times a year, even underwent surgery, and as it turns out, I just needed more water. Water has changed my life. Of course I forgot my water bottle today, like a dumbass, which is really bad since we're doing hot yoga tonight, which requires extra hydration. I'll have to start drinking like a maniac on my lunch break to prepare. Anyway, I haven't written much of anything for entertainment purposes in a while now, pretty much every time I write on this blog these days, it's just journal ramblings, which I guess is fine, but I do like to entertain. I guess I'm just lacking much social commentary. I'm totally obsessed with the idea of owning a place and all my thought are consumed by it, so there's no time to focus on sociological complaints. I'm just happy the economy is in the toilet so I can get a good deal on a condo. I was looking in Capitol Hill for a while because that's where I would love to live as far as Washington State goes, but I guess we're going to get a place in Bellevue. That's okay. I'm a Bellevue Girl, I have to accept it. I get my hair done at Gene Juarez in the Galleria, I work out at LA Fitness in the Galleria, I buy groceries at Whole Foods on 116th, HAM and I both work in Bellevue and HAM goes to Bellevue College. My life is here whether I like it or not, so I might as well just suck it up and get a place here. I'm at least hoping that we'll be able to afford a nice place in West Bellevue or Wilburton. Fuck Crossroads, fuck 148th. I refuse to live there unless it's beautiful and private and I'm not surrounded stinky cooking or lots of children or thugs. I don't want to live in "New Belhi", so nowhere near Microsoft, thank you. And I'm not trying to live in little Me-hi-co either, so Crossroads is probably out. I want a nice, quiet area near downtown and near some nice parks/ trails so I can walk the dogs I will be getting. I don't mean to sound like a racist, because I'm not a racist. I just don't like lots of wild children or the smell of boiled cabbage or cops in my parking lot every night. I experienced that as a child/ teenager living in Bellevue Manor on 148th, and it was a nightmare, I hated that place, just pulling up to the place made my throat close on me. I'm allergic to that place. I will never go back. I deserve better than that. I've lived in enough ghettos over the years, I've been around plenty of out of control children, even lived with a couple for a while (white children, btw) and I don't wanna do it again. I'd rather just have my own house, but I can't afford a house in this area, so I have to get a condo, and if I'm getting a condo, it's gonna be somewhere nice or I'll just keep living with my dad. I don't want to be constantly annoyed by my neighbors and their obnoxious children and their domestic disputes or their thug teenagers. I'll be the only one with a Pit Bull, blaring Yeezy in my condo complex. THE ONLY ONE! And I hope my neighbors like the smell of steamed vegetables and veggie burgers, 'cause BG's coming and she's bringing her electric steamer with her!