Speaking of problems...the worst problem for me is alcohol. It is really becoming a problem. So much so that I have looked up rehabs that accept my crappy insurance. Of course, I don't have time or money to go to rehab. And then there's the whole AA thing--I don't want to go back. I'm not religious and I don't like the shame-based philosophy or the smug people. I have looked up ways to stop drinking without AA and really there isn't much information available. It's mostly like, "avoid situations where you will be tempted to drink." I mean, what is a situation? Night time? It's not like I go out to clubs or hang around with a bunch of partiers. I drink at home, alone. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel so guilty. How do I stop? It's like, I know I'll do or say things that I'll regret, I know I'll feel guilty, I know I'll eat too much, I know I'll have a hangover--and then, I just start drinking! Sometimes I don't even want to drink, like I don't even have the craving, but there I am doing it like I've been programmed or something. Yes, I suppose this would be another instance of me communication with you by way of blog. The reason why I have to do it this way is because I don't drink the day before I come to see you, so I never have a hangover, therefore I feel that I don't have a problem. But the reality is that I hate this. I have to stop and I don't know how. I just keep fucking doing it. Do you have any idea what I can do? Can I create some kind of plan with you? Is there some type of therapy I should undergo? Is there an outpatient program I should be a part of? I just can't drink, it's ruining me. I have to lie to people and hide things and act like everything is okay when it's not. I told the nurse prac that I don't drink that much, I think I said maybe one or two drinks once a week. But I usually end up drunk, and it happens a lot. I am an alcoholic. I don't want to go back to how it used to be, but I see myself slipping away from myself. I really, really, really need help.
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