I am work and nearing my period. In fact, according to MyMonthlyCycles.com, I should have started it yesterday. I feel tired and, of course, fat. I finally got enough sleep last night after not being able to sleep for two nights because I was so mad about this thing with my dad and DL. But I may end up being able to purchase a place anyway. It will only be for half the amount that I would've had, but whatever, at least I will have a piece of property in my name and the value will actually be increasing instead of decreasing like it is right now in the stock market. But I have to say, I think it's ridiculous that she's getting half of my inheritance when she's going to die a few years after him anyway. I should get at least 60%. My grandparents didn't leave me anything directly, it all went into a family trust, which means my dad gets to wield his power and control me because he knows I want a house. And he has all these rules on what the money can be used for. Like, I can't use it to pay for grad school or get breast implants. I can only use it to buy a house and only on his terms. I wish I could just move out of his fucking house and stop having this dictator tell me how selfish I am and how I think everything is about "me, me,me". What a cock-sucking sonofabitch! Seriously - we're all selfish, our own world always revolves around ourselves, even if we don't want to admit it. We spend more time thinking about ourselves than we do anyone else and that's just plain fact. He's just as selfish as anyone else, and I know because he's hoarding all that money pretending like it's all his when I was my grandparents ONLY grandchild and they loved me and I'm sure they meant for some of that money to go to me. So really, my dad is the selfish one, not me. God, it just gets me riled up thinking about it. Usually writing makes me feel better, but I'm just getting more and more angry as I write this. And the worst part is, I can't move out. HAM has a criminal record and I have toilet credit, and together we are the anti-rent poster children. But now my dad doesn't even want HAM living in the MIL apartment in the basement because he could get more rent from someone else, so that means that we'd have to live upstairs in my childhood bedroom, right next to my dad's bedroom. Fuck that noise. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is I am sick of living with my dad and dealing with him taking pain pills and drinking every day and I hate his attitude toward me as being some incompetent little woman who can't handle money or responsibility. For a long time, he said I could ONLY get a condo because I wouldn't be able to take care of a house. That's also bullshit. I'm just so tired of him knowing everything about my life so he can always give me his opinion. I just want to separate from him and his bitchy, whiny cat and maybe not talk to him for a while so I can make decisions for myself without being clouded by his thoughts on my decisions, or his "suggestions" that seep into my subconscious so deeply that I always end up doing what he wants. He is the number one controller in my life and I've been nice for a long time, always telling him he's right and smart and knows how everything works and I'll just listen to him and do what he says but you know what? It's not me! I can't ever do any goddamn thing without his opinion finding it's way into my brain. I want out of this relationship! I want my money and my freedom, everything else will be up to me, mistakes and all.

I couldn't sleep last night. See, my dad was supposed to move to China in about a year, and before he moved, he and I were going to go in on a house. This way I would have a place to live and he would have a US address, which you apparently need if you are an ex-pat in China. Then his wife got a VISA and came here to visit. Of course she realized that the US is about a zillion times better than China, so now she wants to move here after she retires. And my dad is now saying that he may not move to China at all, but instead will just continue to visit her two months at a time. You know, I went my whole life never thinking that I would own a house. Twenty-nine years I spent thinking I would just rent and that was all I knew, so it was OK. But then my dad tells me this and I've been dreaming about it ever since. I've spent days searching the internet for real estate. I think about it daily, it's one of the things that makes me the happiest. And now what? The bitch is already getting HALF of my inheritance, and now she's ruining my chance to own my own house? She'll probably only outlive him by a few years, and then what? A million dollars goes to her family? Who the fuck are they and why do they deserve my money? Chinese people don't need a million dollars; they live in China. I live in the US and I need that money. I hate this stupid bitch. It's all just some dumb fantasy anyway. My dad always wanted an Asian, and now he's got one and he treats her like a piece of property, like a fucking trophy. It's all just bullshit. I hate them both. I hope she dies first so I'll get all my money.