God damn it. I want to be taken seriously about this. Just because I don't look fat to you doesn't mean I'm not suffering from this disorder. I eat until I'm sick. I think about food all the time. I sometimes eat so much that I have to throw up just to stop my stomach from hurting. I am not well and I need help. I need therapy and medication directed toward getting this ED under control. I can't spend the rest of my life like this. I can't! How would you like to live your life under the thumb of food obsession? How would like all of the decisions you make to be based on when and where you will be able to eat the amount of food you want to eat without anyone seeing you? This is totally FUCKED. I refuse to spend the rest of my life under this sick spell. I NEED HELP! Do you hear me? This is NOT OKAY!!!

Now excuse me while I go eat an entire pizza and box of oreos...

I have this problem with coffee. When I drink it, I start drinking more of it than of any other substance. I drink it the same way I used to drink alcohol. First thing in the morning, all day, every day, and when I'm not drinking it, I'm thinking about drinking it. So, once again, I have to stop. I stopped before and it was terrible at first, but eventually I got used to it. Then I started drinking it again. I swear I need a 12-step program for coffee. And it's not even the caffiene so much as it is the coffee itself. I love the way it smells, the way it tastes, the way it feels going down my throat and into my stomach, all warm and milky. There is nothing better than a delicious cup of hot coffee. It soothes my soul on a cellular level. I think I was born with the coffee-loving gene. It runs in my family. My mom used to live off the shit when I was growing up. She constantly spilled coffee on the floor of the car, so the car always had this french vanilla/ coffee smell. She seriously brewed multiple pots a day and had a thermos full of it morning noon and night. My dad's a little better, but pretty much can't live without several cups every morning. When he went to China this time, he shipped several bags of it to Meiying's condo so he would have coffee for the two months that he's there. But I feel like it's more than just a pick-me-up. Actually, it does little as far as it's stimulant properties are concerned. It really has no affect on me in terms of energy or focus. I just like how it tastes. I love how it tastes. It's truly an addiction that gets out of hand every time I indulge. I'll be okay for a little while, but before I know it, it's totally taken over my life and I am dehyrdrated and overeating because my brain is sending a signal to my body that my body interprets as hunger when in reality I just need water. I drink coffee, eat, drink coffee, eat, and eat and eat...and then feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and remorse ans shame and I hate myself. I sit there pinching my belly fat, telliing myself what I fat failure I am. And all of this could be avoided if I could just quit coffee. I wish it wasn't so insanely delicious! But I'm stopping again tomorrow. I got some thermogenics that you're not allowed to have caffeine with because they have 100 mg of caffeine already. That's fine, at least this way I won't have withdrawal symptoms. No horrible headaches or insomnia. Another good thing about the thermogenics is that they require women to drink at LEAST 91 oz of water a day. I have been trying to drink 64 oz, and doing okay, but 91 oz will be a challenge. I think I can do it, though. As long as I add lemon to the water, I can drink it without much coercion. I start tomorrow with one pill in the morning a half hour before breakfast. Then I go to grandma's to play scrabble, the post office to ship the books I sold on Amazon, and then the gym. It's supposed to help with energy during workouts, too, but without the jitters of shit with ephedrine. It has over 8000 positive reviews on bodybuilding.com. So I'm looking forward to trying it. And since the antidepressant I take is not an SSRI, I shouldn't get Serotonin Syndrome fromt taking it. But if for some reason I do start to develop symptoms of SS, I can just stop taking it and the symptoms will subside and I can get a full refund from Super Supplements. But what I'm really upset about is that my dad is starting to have second thoughts about moving to China, even though that has been his plan for several years now, and he married a women who lives there, who could barely get a visa just to visit the U.S. for a few weeks. I don't know how the hell they expect to get her a greencard, but apparently that's the new plan. But the original plan was that he would sell the house and we would go fifty fifty on a house where I would live and he would use as his U.S. address, something he has to have in order to live in China as an ex-pat. And I could handle it if he and DL (Dragon Lady) came here to visit occasionally and stayed with me, but what happens if they end up living in the U.S? Then what? Because if I have to live with my dad for another year of my life, I will commit suicide. Please, don't take this seriously, it's just a figure of speech for dramatic effect. But what I AM serious about is needing NOT to live with my freaking dad anymore. I'm 31 years old. Enough is enough. I've spent way too many years of my life living with that man and I just can't imagine one more year, let alone several. I don't know what I would do if he and DL moved here and I ended up without my own house. I've been waiting for the day I can purchase this house for so long and I dream about it, fantasize about it, search for real estate online almost daily...I can't have one more dream taken away from me. Especially this one. I've already conceded my California dream home in order for HAM to go to business school at UW. That means I have to stay in this dark, dreary, rainy, miserable, superficial soul-sucking void of a city for who knows how many more years. Fine, I've suffered through most of my life in this place and I'm familiar with the suffering so I can deal with it. But suffering in this pit of plastic hell with my dad and his wife? I just can't bare the thought of it. I mean, I love DL. If it were just DL, I'd probably be okay with it. She's sweet and quiet most of the time, and we have A SHIT TON in common, so that would be fine. But the two of them together? Fuck no. Besides, in my opinion, my dad drinks too much and he takes all those pain pills and drinks with the pain pills, and he eats chocolate and ice cream and sausage and pizza and whatever the fuck he feels like, plus coffee every morning, which will torture me since I'm trying to live coffee free. He's always nodding out in front of the TV or in front of the computer, or getting shit-faced so I have to drive him to his car the next day out in Seattle. I don't wanna do it. Maybe it's selfish of me because he put up with so much of my shit for so long, but seriously, I can't imagine he's want to live with me and HAM anyway. Whatever happens, it needs to be separate from my life. And I need to come out of this with a house.

I don't know if it's my period, or if I'm really starting to binge again. The medication seemed to work for quite a while. I stopped bingeing almost immediately after I started taking the medication. But i guess now since I've been on it for a while, it's losing it's effectiveness. It just seems so backward to me that the one thing I want more than anything in this world is to be hot, yet I do something repeatedly to ensure that I won't be hot. For breakfast I had my toaster waffles and eggs with agave nectar and a little peanut butter, and two cups of coffee with milk. For lunch I had a sandwich on wheat bread with avocado, goat cheese, spinach, tomatoes, pickles, and carmelized onions and a Mango Kombucha. Later I got an iced latte. For dinner I had two veggie tacos, 2 1/2 pieces of bread with peanut butter and agave nectar, and a few strawberries, plus a bunch of bites of peanut butter. Then later I had blueberries (a lot of them) with low-fat cottage cheese. Jesus Fucking Christ! I am out of my mind. That was probably over 2000 calories of food and I only did a half hour of cardio today. I am getting fatter by the second. I know part of my problem is coffee. When I start drinking coffee, my water consumption gets lower and lower until I'm back to being totally dedhydrated. The dehydration is so normal to me that I don't even know I'm dehydrated, so my brain sends a message to be body to put something in it, and my body decides that the something is food, when water is what I actually need. I was doing pretty good for a few days, but the same thing always happens. I stop drinking water and start eating more and more and drinking more and more coffee. Why am I such a fuck-up? I don't think anyone has ever hated themselves as much as I hate me. I am such a fucking failure. I want to be a size 2 and I'm a size 4. I want to eat healthy and I eat way too much. At least I'm sticking to the no added sugar, no sugars other than stevia and agave nectar. That hasn't been so bad. But I'm still eating too much. I did it yesterday, too. I was just going to have a little snack before the gym and i ended up eating a ton and not even going to the gym. I ate a Larabar, which is the only bar out there that has NO added sugar, not even honey. It's sweetened with dates. I got a latte too. And some trail mix, of which I was only going to have a little, but instead I ate the whole bag. Then I went back and bought some grapes and cherries and ate those too. I think I need to just stop eating a lot more foods. Like no fruit, no peanut butter, and no bread. And no agave nectar. Just vegetables, cottage cheese, eggs, and quinoa. Maybe a little salmon, if I decide fish is okay. I hate myself, I hate that I have no self-control. I feel like such a failure. Why can't I just control what I eat? I have to quit coffee again. FUCK.