I did hot yoga last night for the first time in almost a year. It was good to get back and sweat off about three pounds of my bodyweight. But there's something yoga instructors always like to remind you of while you're balancing on one foot and giving yourself a good ol'fashioned reacharound. They always say things like, "Don't compare yourself to anyone else in class. This is your yoga practice. It doesn't matter if the person in front of you can stretch a little further. This is about you doing your best practice." I don't know if they sayt that because as humans, we're just competitive by nature and we're always looking at others to see how we measure up, or if it's because they can see me eyeing the hot chick who's bent in half with her right leg behind her head and still has no belly fat hanging over the top of her ass-bearing yoga shorts. I can't help but compare myself to these girls. Any time I enter a hot yoga class, I immediately scan the room for the hot girls and then spend the rest of the class eyeing them from my upward dog. I also wonder, how do they stay looking so beautiful in 115 degree heat while moving through a series of warrior poses? I see myself in the mirror and my face is beet red and dripping with sweat. Then I see these girls and it looks like they're in full makeup with only a slight sheen. Is it those eyelash extensions? Permanent makeup? I guess hot girls are juse hot at all times. They probably look like that first thing in the morning, too. I feel like I look like a completely different person without makeup on. It's not too terrible when it's just everyday, but in a hot yoga class I do not look pretty. And I always feel like HAM must be comparing me to these girls as well. of course, I have no proof of that, and he's never given me reason to think that he would do that, but I still feel like he must be thinking, "I wish that girl was my girlfriend instead of BG." Or at least, "I'd like to do that girl." I know that it isn't all about looks. He likes me for other reasons, too (although I'm not sure what they are) but I still feel insecure whenever there's a girl around who's obviously hotter than me. Because when he met me, I was almost physically perfect. My body was on fire back then. I was the perfect weight and my stomach was rock hard, I was super tan, and I'd always get my nails done with black french tips - his favorite. He's said before that he thinks girls should always wear makeup and get their nails done. Well, it's just not possible for me to always wear makeup or afford to get my nails done every two weeks. And what I do these days is already a complete 180 from what I used to do. I mean, shit, I never wore makeup or a bra, or shoes for that matter. I had dreadlocks and didn't shave. I never would've even thought of tanning or getting my nails done. This whole Bellevue Girl thing is rather new to me and it's not always easy for me to stay on top of it. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the dreadlocks and bare feet and just say "fuck it" to all the superficial bullshit. But I'm too insecure for that now. besides, HAM met me when I was almost perfect and I just assume that's what he expects from me, so I'm constantly trying to get back there. It's hard, though. With all these health problems I've had over the last year, I've gained and lost the same 10 lbs several times and right now I'm somewhere in between. I know he's come to love me over the last year and a few months that we've been together, so it's not all about my appearance anymore like I'm sure it was at the beginning. I just want to be perfect for him. Why? I want him to keep loving me. Once he said he had concerns that I might end up looking like my mom one day. It really hurt my feelings for two reasons: 1) Because I love my mom and I don't want to hear anyone say bad things about her and 2) Because my mom and I are two different people who lead different lifestyles. I work out five days a week and put a great deal of effort into my health and appearance. My mom has always been more focused on art than on exercise. There's just no way to compare the two of us or to be able to look at her for a prediction of what I'll look like when I'm older. He later apologized and took back what he said, and I believe he meant that, but it's still in the back of my mind. Anyway, I am supposed to somehow come to accept who I am and that I will never be perfect but that I'm pretty good, not fat, etc. I am not there yet by any means, but at least I am aware that I need to get to a place of acceptance in order to be happy and one way to do that is to stop comparing myself to hot girls in hot yoga and just focus on my best practice. In hot yoga and in life.