Speaking of problems...the worst problem for me is alcohol. It is really becoming a problem. So much so that I have looked up rehabs that accept my crappy insurance. Of course, I don't have time or money to go to rehab. And then there's the whole AA thing--I don't want to go back. I'm not religious and I don't like the shame-based philosophy or the smug people. I have looked up ways to stop drinking without AA and really there isn't much information available. It's mostly like, "avoid situations where you will be tempted to drink." I mean, what is a situation? Night time? It's not like I go out to clubs or hang around with a bunch of partiers. I drink at home, alone. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel so guilty. How do I stop? It's like, I know I'll do or say things that I'll regret, I know I'll feel guilty, I know I'll eat too much, I know I'll have a hangover--and then, I just start drinking! Sometimes I don't even want to drink, like I don't even have the craving, but there I am doing it like I've been programmed or something. Yes, I suppose this would be another instance of me communication with you by way of blog. The reason why I have to do it this way is because I don't drink the day before I come to see you, so I never have a hangover, therefore I feel that I don't have a problem. But the reality is that I hate this. I have to stop and I don't know how. I just keep fucking doing it. Do you have any idea what I can do? Can I create some kind of plan with you? Is there some type of therapy I should undergo? Is there an outpatient program I should be a part of? I just can't drink, it's ruining me. I have to lie to people and hide things and act like everything is okay when it's not. I told the nurse prac that I don't drink that much, I think I said maybe one or two drinks once a week. But I usually end up drunk, and it happens a lot. I am an alcoholic. I don't want to go back to how it used to be, but I see myself slipping away from myself. I really, really, really need help.

Just wondering, do I look fat or ugly? Because HAM hardly ever wants to fuck me anymore. I have to put my hair in pigtails and do my makeup perfect and dress up in slutty clothes and get him drunk before he wants to fuck me. That's too much work. Why can't he just think I'm cute because he loves me? Why do I have to do so much shit just to get some? It's not that I don't like doing all that - it's fun most of the time, but I don't like feeling like I have to do those things to get his attention. Every night, before I even try, he's like, "Damn, I am so tired. I just wanna pass out." So, I can't even try to fuck him at that point. I really don't want to be one of those girls who ends up chasing some poor, undesiring man around the house. I don't wanna be Peg Bundy. And I don't wanna me single forever. I want to get married. And I may or may not want to have a baby. Not that I'm into the idea of child-rearing, but I am into the idea of having someone to take care of me when I'm old. I'm tired of having a really great friend that I sleep next to and spend all my time with - I mean, I like those things, I'm not tired of it, I just want to be desired, and I feel like I'm not and I can't talk to him about it and it sucks. I miss us fucking every night. Now I'm lucky if I get it twice a week, or once a week, and then he has to have a few beers first. It seems like every time we've fucked in the last couple months, it has been after some drinks. It's really stupid. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. It makes me want to cry. And I have been doing so well on this diet, too! I eat salad every day at lunch, and vegetables and lentils for dinner. I don't eat sugar or anything bad for me. Not even any gluten. My carb intake is way down. I am looking pretty good these days. But I am too poor to get my hair done and nails done, and I guess he needs all that shit, plus lingerie, to have any desire for me. That's what's lame about dating a young guy. He's so superficial. I've rarely had this much trouble getting sex out of my own boyfriend. I feel totally unattractive. The last time I had this much trouble getting sex out of my own boyfriend was when I was in a relationship with a gay guy. I know HAM's not gay, so that means he just doesn't want to fuck me. And like I said, that hurts my feelings a lot. At least I have shit to focus on now, like this memoir writing class and studying for the LSAT. Yeah, I said the LSAT. BG's latest plan is to be an animal rights lawyer. Let's see how long this plan lasts. If I could bet myself, I'd bet until my next period, so about three weeks. I am so tired of giving up on shit, it gets really exhausting. I just want to stick with something. And FUCK I want to move out of my dad's house. And it seems like I will be stuck here forever. I have no money, my hours are getting cut at work, there are no job prospects out there, and everything just sucks my imaginary balls. Oh, and I have folliculitis, so I have to take long-term antibiotics and I can't shave, can't even trim, you know where. Just one more thing to turn HAM off. Great. His birthday is in two days and I'm giving him a $200 gift certificate from me to redeem for tattoo work. I am such an awesome girlfriend and yet I feel neglected sexually. He is still present in other ways, and still sweet, but he just doesn't want to fuck me. I hate it. I think I really need that to feel attractive and loved. I feel like he doesn't really want to be with me if he doesn't want to fuck me. Sorry for saying fuck so much, but we don't make love - we only did that when we were both high on opiates. It turns out that what people say when they are on opiates is all bullshit. So all the "I want to be with you forever" shit is just that - shit. It's meaningless and I didn't realize that until I read "Scar Tissue", Anthony Keidis' memoir. He was a total junkie and he mentioned all the bullshit love talk people spout when they're high on opiates. I am such a fool sometimes. I actually believed everything he said. But it's obviously bullshit because he NEVER says it now. Who knows if he even wants to marry me one day. If one day, then why not at least make plans now? Why not ask me now and then it will happen "one day". But he won't do that, NO, because he doesn't even want to marry me. He doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he wants a place to stay, a ride, I don't know. Maybe he loves me. But I don't think he has any intention of being with me forever. It was just something he said when he was high. 

One of the great things I've decided over the last week or so is that I really don't care for drinking alcohol or smoking weed anymore. I don't enjoy getting drunk, and having just one glass of wine would be nice, but it always gives me a headache and a mild hangover the next day. It's just not worth it. And I thought I liked weed, but I don't know, I just changed my mind. It makes me feel dehydrated when I wake up the next day and I just hate feeling dehydrated. I'm not saying these things are off limits - I don't think it's good to be all or nothing about anything, but as a regular activity? I don't think so. This actually makes me really happy, because AA taught me that "one is too many and a thousand is never enough", but as it turns out, one is okay, but I could take it or leave it. Maybe I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic, maybe I am, all I know is, as of today, it doesn't do it for me like it once did. I'd rather have lots of energy at the gym, the desire to eat wholesome foods, and the hydration to do hot yoga (which we're doing tonight, btw). I feel better physically and mentally when I am free of those things. To me, those things seem to be the opposite of health. Healthy people don't inhale ANYTHING. It's disgusting and it's bad for you and it dehydrates you. I don't like anything that contributes to my dehydration except for coffee. And even that I have cut back to once a day. The rest of the day I drink water, water, water with lemon in it. It keeps my lips from feeling rough, it makes my skin look and feel smoother, it makes my hair shinier, my workouts better, and it keeps UTIs at bay. I have had recurrent UTIs for years and staying hydrated is the only thing that stops them. For years when I was drinking, and even after I quit and started living on coffee, I had UTIs and painful sex. I have had a million tests, been tested for STDs several times a year, even underwent surgery, and as it turns out, I just needed more water. Water has changed my life. Of course I forgot my water bottle today, like a dumbass, which is really bad since we're doing hot yoga tonight, which requires extra hydration. I'll have to start drinking like a maniac on my lunch break to prepare. Anyway, I haven't written much of anything for entertainment purposes in a while now, pretty much every time I write on this blog these days, it's just journal ramblings, which I guess is fine, but I do like to entertain. I guess I'm just lacking much social commentary. I'm totally obsessed with the idea of owning a place and all my thought are consumed by it, so there's no time to focus on sociological complaints. I'm just happy the economy is in the toilet so I can get a good deal on a condo. I was looking in Capitol Hill for a while because that's where I would love to live as far as Washington State goes, but I guess we're going to get a place in Bellevue. That's okay. I'm a Bellevue Girl, I have to accept it. I get my hair done at Gene Juarez in the Galleria, I work out at LA Fitness in the Galleria, I buy groceries at Whole Foods on 116th, HAM and I both work in Bellevue and HAM goes to Bellevue College. My life is here whether I like it or not, so I might as well just suck it up and get a place here. I'm at least hoping that we'll be able to afford a nice place in West Bellevue or Wilburton. Fuck Crossroads, fuck 148th. I refuse to live there unless it's beautiful and private and I'm not surrounded stinky cooking or lots of children or thugs. I don't want to live in "New Belhi", so nowhere near Microsoft, thank you. And I'm not trying to live in little Me-hi-co either, so Crossroads is probably out. I want a nice, quiet area near downtown and near some nice parks/ trails so I can walk the dogs I will be getting. I don't mean to sound like a racist, because I'm not a racist. I just don't like lots of wild children or the smell of boiled cabbage or cops in my parking lot every night. I experienced that as a child/ teenager living in Bellevue Manor on 148th, and it was a nightmare, I hated that place, just pulling up to the place made my throat close on me. I'm allergic to that place. I will never go back. I deserve better than that. I've lived in enough ghettos over the years, I've been around plenty of out of control children, even lived with a couple for a while (white children, btw) and I don't wanna do it again. I'd rather just have my own house, but I can't afford a house in this area, so I have to get a condo, and if I'm getting a condo, it's gonna be somewhere nice or I'll just keep living with my dad. I don't want to be constantly annoyed by my neighbors and their obnoxious children and their domestic disputes or their thug teenagers. I'll be the only one with a Pit Bull, blaring Yeezy in my condo complex. THE ONLY ONE! And I hope my neighbors like the smell of steamed vegetables and veggie burgers, 'cause BG's coming and she's bringing her electric steamer with her!

I got home from the gym a little while ago and since then I have taken a shower, got dressed and did my makeup, took out the trash, recycling, and compost, done the dishes, wiped down the kitchen counters, and taken my vitamins. Not to mention that when I first got home I smoked a little weed and ate some waffles. Back when I was the old me, living in that nasty house on the highway in Nice, CA, I used to be one of those stoners who couldn't do shit. I'd just sit there and eat and surf the internet. Or drink and surf the internet. I couldn't exercise, pay a bill, make dinner, clean the house, or clean myself. I was a waste product. Needless to say, I felt like a loser. Today, I figure, if I smoke weed, it's okay, as long as I am still a functioning human being who is able to take care of business. I've found that I've actually become more productive stoned than I do just normally. I used to tell myself I couldn't write stoned, and it was probably just an excuse I told myself so I didn't have to write. Or exercise. Although I wouldn't exercise stoned because that would just be counterintuitive, I also wouldn't let it come before a work out. Nothing comes between me and the gym. I'm there rain or shine, heartache or bursting at the seems with love, whether I'm angry, depressed, way too full from over eating, sick, or in pain. I always go. I can't imagine anything other than HAM being as important as the gym. I guess school. School takes even more time than the gym and balancing the two is difficult. I don't know how HAM does everything that he does. He'll make a good marketing executive someday, or whatever he decides to do. I remember back in my senior year of college, I was newly married, in school full time, working part time, applying to grad schools, and smoking crack on the weekends. I mean, not every single weekend, but if it wasn't crack, I was getting drunk, popping Xanax and Oxycontin, snorting cocaine, or even dropping ectasy. Who knows how I made it through all of that with my degree and a 3.9 GPA. Of course I didn't get into grad school, and I'm sure it was because I was delusional from the drugs. But I still accomplished a lot while I was handling a million other things. So I wonder, was it not being accepted to grad school that really pushed me over the edge as far as "partying", or was it just the natural progression of addiction? In AA, they say that's what happens - you can never maintain. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. I guess I don't know yet. I do know the year before I quit drinking and getting high was the worst year of my life. I definitely don't want to end up back there again. So maybe that's why I become so overly productive, trying to prove to myself that It's different this time. But is it worth it? Because if I am truly an addict, this won't stay manageable. It will become unmanageable and I'll have to stop. If it turns out I was just misguided and had some impermanent dependency issues, then I guess I could go on forever feeling satisfied with a little evening weed smoking and one glass of wine. That would be fine. Honestly, I don't know why I ever liked getting drunk. It's much better to just slowly sip one glass of fabulous wine than "get fucked up". I don't like being out of control, doing and saying things I normally wouldn't do and say, and waking up feeling like shit, dehydrated and ashamed. No thank you. One is just right, actually. I don't ever feel like I'm stopping myself from having more. All I care for is one, and then I feel done. Damn, AA really fucks a person't head up, doesn't it? It's so weird, because AA helps so many people, but it's also a brainwashing cult. It's just that the brainwashing helps a lot of people. But it hurts people, too. It hurt me and I've heard stories about others. I guess I just don't have the answers on this. I guess I'll just have to watch and see what happens, and hope it's nothing I'll regret.

It was a toss up this evening between tanning and writing. Here I am, so obviously I chose the latter. EP invited me to a barbeque tomorrow and I'm thinking I will go. I don't know anyone there besides her and I'm not very good at parties, especially if I don't know anyone, but I feel like a jerk that I keep avoiding hanging out with her. Even though she's a hot girl, she actually is really nice. I just never know what to say to girls. I've spent most of life around guys. My first friend was a boy. We met in Hawaii when I was one year old. Then, growing up in West Seattle, my best friend was a boy. We used to build homes for worms out of mud and leaves, throw toys around my room, get chased by packs of neighborhood dogs, and torment his twin sister. There was a bit of time, middle school, where I didn't really have any boy friends. But in high school, my best friend was a boy. We talked on the phone for hours every day. He had a crush on me, and since I didn't feel the same way, we became friends for several years. When I started hanging out at Totem Lake Denny's, there were mostly guys there. I became friends with pretty much all of them. Wherever I went, whatever I did, I always had lots of dudes around me. I like guys because they're usually funny and there's no competition. I get to be the pretty one, the one with the vagina, they get to be the ones who settle for being my friend because I won't date them. I'll admit, I've had my share of guy friends who bought me drinks, dinners out, clothes, gas for my car. One guy bought me cable TV. I always got free drugs. To this day, I have no idea how much an eight-ball costs. Although it doesn't matter anymore. I've just had a lot of bad experiences with girls. A girl introduced me to HAM. She had a boyfriend, but apparently she liked HAM, or at least she wanted HAM to like her. When she found out that he and I were seeing eachother, she didn't want to be my friend anymore. That really hurt. I thought she actually liked me but it turned out she liked me until she realized that guys were more attracted to me than to her. As soon as she realized that, she was out. Now she's best friends with HAM's ex girlfriend. I had a "best" girl friend for years. I'll call her TB. TB was pretty cool for a while. Super artistic. She was a poet, and she was funny. We had all kinds of inside jokes and we also spent hours on the phone. Bit drugs eventually tore us apart. She went to prison for a year for international drug trafficking, and I only wrote her twice the whole time she was locked up. We stayed friends after that, but she was really fucked up, and I guess I wasn't much better. Eventually I got sober and I decided I didn't like the state of our relationship, so I basically broke up with her. I've talked to her only one time since then, to apologize for being a total shithead (because I broke up with her through email after being best friends for 15 years). I guess she's living in some ghetto apartment out in Lake City and spends every night in a gross bar getting wasted. So I guess I'm not missing much. Too bad, though, because she used to be really amazing. She was so charismatic. She was the type of bitch who could make friends with anyone, get a job anywhere, convince anyone of anything. She could dance, sculpt, write, sing, and paint. Drugs and alcohol just sucked the soul out of her. I guess they sucked my soul out for a while, too. I'm thankful for all that time I spent sober and for learning how to live sober, learning that "getting fucked up" really isn't that great. I mean, every once in a while, sure, but every day? So lame. Life is too good to spend it high. Besides, I like my job, I love HAM, I love that family trusts me, that I can hold a job, go to school, write, work out, afford to get my nails and hair done, look realistically toward the future. I enjoy a nice glass of wine here and there, and a good old-fashioned opiate session is still enjoyable every now and then, but I'm not trying to spend my life as a junkie. I truly learned from AA that life is better without drugs and alcohol running it. But I have also discovered that I don't have to be a teetotaler to NOT be a junkie. There is a balance. Anyway, I've gone off in a completely different direction here. My cat is staring at me. Girls...that's what I was talking about. I'd love to have some girlfriends, but where the smart girls at? Where the funny bitches at? I miss my college professor, SH. That's the kind of chick I want in my life. Funny, brilliant, eccentric, and darn cute. I guess I really need to go back to school and get my master's if I really want those type of chicks in my life. The ones who understand my sense of humor, who think deeply about things, who know there's more to life than taanning. I get to be that girl who's funny, eccentric, smart, and hahaha, she goes tanning and spends $300 on her hair, isn't that insane? Oh, that BG, what a character. I want to be the only girl in my group of girlfriends who goes tanning and gets her hair and nails done, because usually the girls who do things like that are empty, vacant. There lives revolve around those things and they lack substance. I do those things now more for HAM than for me. I mean, I like being pretty and well-maintained, but it's expensive and a lot of work and time. I can think of about a zillion things that are more important than tanning. Like writing this long, rambling blog about...what is this about? Girls, drugs, and tanning? I guess. My point is, all those superficial things I do, I don't believe in them as worthwhile endeavors, I just can't stop doing them for some reason. I am attache to physical appearance, being pretty, or desiring to be pretty. But I know in the greater scheme of things, hair, nails, makeup, and tanning is all irrelevant. It won't say on my tombstone, "BG - She had fabulous hair". (I guess I could request that if I really wanted to.) I would like it to say something like, "BG - A great writer and a true friend" or something like that. "Loved by many". Right now I have HAM, my mom and dad, and my grandma, who (if things go the way they're supposed to) will probably not be at my funeral. Maybe there would be an old guy friend who would show up, maybe my ex boyfriend, BD, and my homie KH, but other than that, I am not loved by very many at all. "Loved by a few". Better than "BG who?" Oh well, this is getting a bit morbid. I just need to go to this barbeque tomorrow.