After about five months of experimentation with controlled drinking, I have decided I am indeed still an alcoholic. It started as just a half a glass of wine, then one glass, then two, occasionally a whole bottle and a few benzos, stealing my Dad's fentanyl patches and perks, smoking weed, and having a general desire to get more, drink more, check out of reality. But then I always wake up the next morning feeling guilty and hungover, even if nothing bad happened, which it hasn't. There have been a few negative consequences, affecting mainly me. I called in sick to work one day when I really just had a hangover. I got drunk and ate so much food that I made myself vomit. Those are the main things, but I think it's just creating a sense of general sadness in me. I am more depressed, less interested or able to do things. I get hangovers so easily that even one glass of wine will leave me feeling like shit the next day. Not to mention all the extra calories. And I'm down to 113 lbs now, so I don't want to sabotage that. I told HAM the other day that I am drinking alcoholically and stealing pills and drinking alone, because I don't want it to be a secret. I need someone who loves me to know that I am headed down that same ugly path. I haven't taken anything or had a drink in two days now, but I don't want to go back to AA. I was hurt too much by those people and I don't ever want to see any of them again. So I have to do it on my own, and honestly, I don't know if it's too late or if I'm OK to just stop and not care. I have a feeling the compulsion will return, although it hasn't yet. I still feel happy that I'm not drinking right now, even though it's almost nine at night, a time where I would like to have a glass of wine. I want to be a healthy, happy person, and using substances will not help me achieve those goals. I am desperate to get out of this life as a happy, successful person, not a fucked up loser. I just have to make a commitment to love myself enough to stop drinking and taking pills. I am going to be taking "The Art of Living" part 1 course on breathing this December. I was reluctant at first, but I decided, with a little discussion with HAM that I should just try it. It was created by Ravi Shankar. Mabye I can finally reconnect with some type of spirituality, maybe try yoga again. I need to fucking relax. Pills and booze are only temporary fixes and they will not help me grow or change, and in the long run, they perpetuate greater chaos in my life and hinder relaxation. I want to have the energy to work out five of six days a week, and this week (I do have a cold) I have only been once. I have continued to eat pretty healthy (minus the binges) and I think my diet has actually improved quite a bit over the last few months, so that's one bright spot, as well as my memoir writing class. I wish that class was every day. God, I just want to get into grad school. Getting fucked up certainly won't help with that, I already found out in 2006. I want my life to get better. I don't wanna die, spiritually, emotionally, or physically. I want to get better.

"My life is going to change. I can feel it." - Raymond Carver, Fat

I was going to write something tonight, but the damn Adobe Flash Player was being a bitch and now it's time to pick up HAM from work. I am in my memoir writing class now. Also, applying for full time jobs and going on interviews, secretly hoping I don't get hired so I can go to grad school and eventually become a professor of Creative Writing after I become a successful author. I am also making this AMAZING vegan minestrone soup regularly, which is not only saving me money, but delicious and healthy too. I am loving the whole cooking thing lately. I'm good at it and I am slowly converting HAM to veganism through example (never through pressure because that is guaranteed to backfire). HAM is getting worse and worse at saying "I love you" lately. It's so hard for him, even though it's easy for him to show me he loves me in every other way. Why are those words so hard for him to say? I am wearing my hair in pigtails for him RIGHT NOW. I made him soup. I am picking him up from work so he doesn't have to spend money on a cab. I told him today, just like Bryan Adams said, "Everything I do, I do it for you." And it's true - I always want to make him happy and keep him loving me. But he's so weird about just saying those three fucking words, even when he knows how happy it makes me. I mean, I know what makes him happy - pigtails, homemade food, deep-throating, and back massages. I do all of that for him. Why can't he just say "I love you" a few times a day? Why is that such a problem? But whatever, that's besides the point. The real point is I want to go to grad school, I want to be a professor. Becoming a "professional" will only deter me from that path and that sucks hairy balls. So anyway, thanks, Adobe, for making this post so short and wishy-washy. What I really wanted to say was something eloquent and poetic, with deep social underpinnings. But instead, this is it. Damn you, Adobe!

I'm at work right now and I need to figure out the plan for dinner. Lately, HAM and I have been consuming an inordinate amount of bread. He and I both have a weakness for delicious bread, or carbs of any kind, really. I used to have a shirt with a cartoon pig and cow dancing, and above these two happy creatures, it read, "I LOVE CARBS". This shirt obvioulsy had more to do with my being a vegetarian than it did for my love of carbs, but it's always been true. Some people crave steak or chicken. Some people think the hear of a meal is meat. I'm the type of person who thinks the appetizer, the salad, the side dish, and the entree are fine, but can't compare to that dinner roll, smothered in butter and still warm from the oven. If I could live off of just bread, I'd be a happy woman. Bagels, English muffins, sprouted wheat, pumpernickel, sourdough, the dinner roll, the breakfast biscuit, toasted, microwaved, or fresh out of the fridge, I don't care, just give me bread or give me death! Fuck that Atkins jerk-off and his all protein diet. Seriously? I once saw my old boss at a pizza joint pull all of the greasy, hot cheese off of a slice of pizza and eat it. He said he was doing the Atkins diet. I was like, "You're eating fat dripping with more fat, and you call yourself a dieter? On what planet?" And fine, the Atkins diet works, but it works by sending your body into ketosis, which is basically like sending it into shock. You get a weird taste in your mouth and you lose your capacity to move. It's like having some crazy disease, but woohoo! You lose weight. Whatever. I tried it. I ate shrimp and peanut butter for days and wanted to die. And the carb backlash is unreal. Any time I deprive myself of something I always end up going at it hard once I let it back in again. I'm still on a carb rampage from a year-old failed low-carb diet. The point is, we do need to reduce our carb intake. We need to increase our veggie intake. I'm okay with the amount of protein I eat, but he needs more. He's trying to build muscle and he's already taking creatine, but the damn guy just doesn't eat enough. I eat enough for both of us, but that won't help him. I've never met a guy with such a small appetite. I eat all of my meals faster than him, I'm hungry when he's not, and I usually want more when he's full. Plus, we almost always eat the same amount of food. It's unbelievable. No wonder he's worried I might look like my mom one day. But my Mom never exercised, and I exercise five days a week, sometimes twice a day, sometimes six days a week. So we can definitely eat some carbs. With all our working out, we are entitled to carbs, but we can't live off of them. We need to start eating healthier. I wish we had one of those Vitamix blenders. Of course, that's like a fat person saying they need a certain type of shoes in order to work out. It's really about just doing it despite circumstances or appliances or wardrobe. Nothing gets accomplished by purchasing shit. Things get accomplished by doing them. Don't even get me started on consumerism and how we're all brainwashed to believe that we need this in order to do that, that we won't be happy until we get such-and-such, that we can't start this until be by that, etc. We're all trained to believe that we need Cover Girl to be beautiful, Nikes to play basketball, Snickers to be satisfied, and Comet to clean the toilet. I hate commercials trying to brainwash me! And even if I consciously know it's bullshit and that I can make my own decisions, commercials don't work by telling you something and you believing it - no. Instead commercials slowly leak into the collective subconscious over time until all of truly believe that we need these brands and these products to live happily. So yeah, I want a Vitamix blender. I want it so I can make fresh cashew butter and heirloom tomato gazpacho. I didn't see it on an infomercial though (another thing my mom has a problem with - every Christmas she gets me something she saw on an infomercial). I actually read about it on a vegan chef's blog when I was trying to be vegan a couple years ago. By the way, I always imagine myself returning to veganism, but right now I'm just so happy that I can eat dairy without turning into a giant, red, itchy blotch. Oh 2% lattes, how I've missed you so! I guess I'm rambling about all kinds of stuff when what I really need to do is either find a recipe or a restaurant. And whatever happens, vegetables need to be involved.