I tried to break up with HAM again a week ago. He said he would quit drinking, or that he would try his best, but didn't want to promise because he's an addict and doesn't trust his promises in regards to such matters. I tried to tell him about how I want t get married and how I want to move away to go to grad school, and how I probably want to have children one day. He said he would move with me to New York, but wouldn't move anywhere else until he finished his undergrad at UW. He is still opposed to marriage, and said he might want kids one day, but isn't sure, and definitely doesn't want them now. So we're still together and I'm trying to make the best of it. He said we could have sex more often. It's improved a bit, but then he got sick, and now I'm sick. We were going to try sleeping in the same bed together again, but since we've both been sick, we haven't done it yet. And honestly, we stopped for a reason. I just can't handle the snoring. I don't think that will change. I don't think it's right that we sleep separately. I don't think it's what a couple should do--especially one that has only been together for two years.

I dreamt of my ex last night. It was dreammy and romantic and we almost made love, but I stopped myself because I didn't want to cheat on HAM. Why can't I get him out of my subconcious? Why is he still there? Is it because of this memoir? I don't think so, because I thought about him and dreamt about him before I ever started writing. why does he have what seems to be a permanent hold on me? I want to call him. Not to get back together with him, but just to talk to him because I like him and I love him. I don't even want to be with him again--we're totally wrong for each other. I just want to be able to talk to him sometimes. He's interesting to talk to, and says such sweet things to me. I am a word person. HAM thinks that actions speak louder than words, and yes, that's mainly true. But words are important too. I love being told that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, that he wants to marry me and love me forever, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, that I taught him how to love and changed his life and all that shit. Maybe it's all total bullshit, but I don't  care. It feels good to hear and I miss hearing it. I know when I dream about him, it's not about him, but about that feeling that someone truly loves me, that I am the center of their universe, that I am loved. HAM is kind, sweet, faithful, gentle, thoughtful, intelligent, funny, and an all around honorable and decent human being. I just wish he would make me feel like I'm the center of his universe. I wish he would look into my eyes and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and that he wants to love me forever. But he would never say that.

I guess what I wonder is, am I supposed to accept that? Are any healthy, non-abusive, honest men like that? Does someone like that even exist or am I living in a fairytale? Should I just be happy that I have a really fucking great guy who I can totally trust, or should I continue to search for more? Is that just being greedy? I mean, if all sane men are cool and collected, unromantic, and practical, then I should really just count my blessings. But if there are men out there who are intelligent, funny, sane, AND romantic and emotionally open, then I want one those ones!

It's late and I've been thinking...I want to have a baby. Not right now. I want to go to grad school next year and don't want to have to deal with breastfeeding and childcare, but I do want a family. I want to get married. I want to be healthy. I want to travel. I want to leave Washington. HAM does not want children, he refuses to get married, has already told me that he will not leave Washington when I go to grad school, and he said he wants to drink and will not stop, but he'll stop in front of me. I realized that stopping in my presence is not enough. Not getting married is not enough. Not having children is not enough. Not moving to be with me is not enough. He loves me, but not the way I need to be loved. I tried to break up with him because of alcohol, and he made me feel guilty about it, like I was totally out of line for wanting to be with a sober person. So then I tried to break up with him because he doesn't believe in marriage, and he made me feel guilty for that because "you'd rather just find someone who will marry you than be with a really good guy". God, he has this way of making everything that he says sound so reasonable and everything that I say sound irrational. But I know in reality that I deserve the things I want. I'm not asking for the moon, a million dollars, or to be the next Brady Bunch. I just want to leave Washington, get married, have a family, and be with someone who is passionately in love with me. Why the fuck should I feel guilty about that? How the fuck is that irrational or unreasonable or shameful in any way? It's not much. It's just a few things that I know I want for my life. Instead of just accepting that we are different and want different things, he wants to keep me as his girlfriend, keep drinking, never get married, never have kids, and never leave Seattle. It's not the goddamn life I want! I finally just conceded and said, "Okay, let's stay together. I surrender. I'll drink with you and I won't care about marriage, it doesn't matter. Everythings' fine." So I drink with him. I don't even want to, but fuck, if I don't drink with him, I hate him. I am seething with anger when he drinks around me and the only way to cure my disdain is to join him. I'm so fucking mad. I don't want this and he won't let me go. They never let me go. They always want to control me. He acts like he's so much better than all my other boyfriends, and yeah, in a lot of ways he is, but at the same time, he's set it up so it's cool for him to have female friends but unacceptable for me to have male friends. He's unwilling to read my writing or be supportive of what I'm working on. He refuses to acknowledge my past. If you deny my past, then you deny me. And by denying my writing, he's also denying one of the most important parts of me. It hurts. I'm tired of being judged and controlled and treated like a silly girl. He calls me "pet". That's his nicknmame for me. I'm not a goddamn pet. I'm a woman. I'm older than him. I know more by default. I know what I fucking want out of life and this isn't it. I want my needs and desires to be respected as valuable pieces of information about who I am. I want to go to grad school, live outside of Washington State, get married, and have children. I need a relationship that supports that, or I need my freedom. I'm tired of sacrifcing who I am and made to feel guilty about what I want. I love HAM. I'm mad at him, but I truly love him. I wish he wanted the same things as me, or that he was at least willing to meet me half way, but he's not. It's what he wants or nothing at all. I can't last in something so one-sided. I deserve to be happy, too. The things I want matter. Maybe not to him, but they matter and they're valid and I won't stop wanting them no matter what he says.