Hard as a Motherfucker

I'm starting to feel a bit more optimistic and a lot less angry now that my period is toward the end. HAM and I got into a huge fight the night before last and wrapped it up sometime before he went t work yesterday. He has been holding on to a lot of resentment about my talking to and considering going back to ALL. For good reason, but the part that really hurt me was that he was bringing up every relationship I've ever had and how they were all such losers and how I've made so many bad decisions and that makes me untrustworthy. He even said, "I can't imagine being your dad at your wedding and having to give you away to some toothless loser. No wonder he got wasted." I don't know why, but at the time, I thought that was the most painful thing he could say to me. It really hurt. It hurt so much that I was just bawling uncontrollably and had to leave the room so I could go email my dad an apology. I'm not mad at my dad anymore. That's always just a PMS thing and I do it every month. I actually really love my dad and don't want anything bad to happen to him or DL. I want them to be happy. I don't want to disappoint him or make him ashamed of me by my poor decisions. He wrote me a really nice email back, accepting my apology and telling me that he's not ashamed of me and that we're all human. He said some things about his faults as a parent, and his own father's faults as a parent, and that while we're all responsible for our own choices, our upbringing can affect those choices. He said he was too lax with me, didn't enforce any rules, didn't teach me how to manage/ save money, or how to clean up after myself. He always did those things, he just never taught me. But whatever, live and learn, I suppose. But anyway, I asked HAM if he could just say whatever other hurtful things he needed to say because I couldn't go through the pain of it a third time or more. He finally decided to just forget about it, move on and forgive me. He wants me to get my tattoos covered up. That's fine, I've wanted to for a long time, just haven't had the funds or any good ideas on what to cover them up with. I have an E on my ankle and I thought maybe I could change it to Evolve...but the E is in Olde English and that particular font doesn't really convey evolution. So I don't know, I guess I could get a stupid flower. The little girl who I babysit at work sometimes thinks I should get a dragonfly over my ex-husband's name. I'm not really a big fan of dragonflies, so that probably won't happen. I'd like to get another lotus flower. And he also wants me to delete all the pictures of my ex that are on my external hard drive. That's fine, too. It's not that I need them really, except for maybe describing his features in my memoir. That's the other sad thing - he won't read anything I write in my memoir class because he doesn't want to think of me ever being with someone other than him. The rest of it is all fine, but I'm sad I won't be able to get his opinion about my writing because he's such an avid reader that I can trust his feedback. I guess I'll just have to rely on my fellow writers and the instructor. And my mom, of course. Also, my dad says when he gets back from China that he'll talk to his financial advisor to see if it's possible for me to purchase a modest condo. I've been obsessively searching the MLS for condos ever since. What a dream come true, to have my own place - not an apartment or rental of any kind, not even in my dad's name, but really, really MINE. My own little chunk of space on the planet. Fuck. I'm already seeing it my head, imagining the hand made wall mosaic, blown glass chandeliers from HAM's friend, JF, who is a professional glass blower and sells his larger chandeliers for 15k. Of course, we would get a much, much smaller one and hopefully he'd give us a discount. I imagine huge framed painting, maybe even a mural. HAM has an artist friend, who I guess is a heroin addict, but that means he'd probably do it for cheap if he's not too strung out. We want a big, soft, comfortable couch and a Vitamix blender and two dogs. Or one dog to start and then another one, but at least one dog. I think about it day and night. I look at the same places over and over again, waiting for something new to get listed. Although there are several places I want to look at. I can't do anything yet because it's not a guarantee that it will happen, but DEAR GOD, I pray it does! My dad said something about giving us his study so we would have two rooms upstairs and then he could rent out the apartment. That's definitely better than just my bedroom, but still, I don't want to live with my dad anymore or be right next to his bedroom. He's retired - when would we have sex? We certainly couldn't just rip eachother's clothes off in the middle of the kitchen like we have been. Also, when my dad is here, it always feels ike the kitchen is his. I never cook food when he's here because he's always cooking and taking up all the space and I just feel crowded out. Basically, this house ain't big enough for the both of us. If it wasn't for the prospect of owning my own place, I would've moved out long ago. The other exciting news is that we have tickets to see Jay-Z and Kanye's Watch the Throne tour. It's not until December, but it's gonna be AMAZING! The new album is interesting, lots of stuff going on, but some great lyrics and beats, and it seems like they had a lot of fun makng the album. I've been listening to it on repeat since it came out a few days ago. They have a song called HAM, which, in their case, stands for Hard As a Motherfucker. My HAM has had a tattoo on the back of his arm for years that says HAM and recently someone asked him if it stood for Hard As a Motherfucker. I love it. He is pretty hard, I have to say. Damn, I just love that guy. I hope he asks me to marry him one day. I just realized I'm wearing my sunglasses inside, and I've worn them the whole time I've been writing. Damn, I'm more gangsta than I thought.