One of the great things I've decided over the last week or so is that I really don't care for drinking alcohol or smoking weed anymore. I don't enjoy getting drunk, and having just one glass of wine would be nice, but it always gives me a headache and a mild hangover the next day. It's just not worth it. And I thought I liked weed, but I don't know, I just changed my mind. It makes me feel dehydrated when I wake up the next day and I just hate feeling dehydrated. I'm not saying these things are off limits - I don't think it's good to be all or nothing about anything, but as a regular activity? I don't think so. This actually makes me really happy, because AA taught me that "one is too many and a thousand is never enough", but as it turns out, one is okay, but I could take it or leave it. Maybe I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic, maybe I am, all I know is, as of today, it doesn't do it for me like it once did. I'd rather have lots of energy at the gym, the desire to eat wholesome foods, and the hydration to do hot yoga (which we're doing tonight, btw). I feel better physically and mentally when I am free of those things. To me, those things seem to be the opposite of health. Healthy people don't inhale ANYTHING. It's disgusting and it's bad for you and it dehydrates you. I don't like anything that contributes to my dehydration except for coffee. And even that I have cut back to once a day. The rest of the day I drink water, water, water with lemon in it. It keeps my lips from feeling rough, it makes my skin look and feel smoother, it makes my hair shinier, my workouts better, and it keeps UTIs at bay. I have had recurrent UTIs for years and staying hydrated is the only thing that stops them. For years when I was drinking, and even after I quit and started living on coffee, I had UTIs and painful sex. I have had a million tests, been tested for STDs several times a year, even underwent surgery, and as it turns out, I just needed more water. Water has changed my life. Of course I forgot my water bottle today, like a dumbass, which is really bad since we're doing hot yoga tonight, which requires extra hydration. I'll have to start drinking like a maniac on my lunch break to prepare. Anyway, I haven't written much of anything for entertainment purposes in a while now, pretty much every time I write on this blog these days, it's just journal ramblings, which I guess is fine, but I do like to entertain. I guess I'm just lacking much social commentary. I'm totally obsessed with the idea of owning a place and all my thought are consumed by it, so there's no time to focus on sociological complaints. I'm just happy the economy is in the toilet so I can get a good deal on a condo. I was looking in Capitol Hill for a while because that's where I would love to live as far as Washington State goes, but I guess we're going to get a place in Bellevue. That's okay. I'm a Bellevue Girl, I have to accept it. I get my hair done at Gene Juarez in the Galleria, I work out at LA Fitness in the Galleria, I buy groceries at Whole Foods on 116th, HAM and I both work in Bellevue and HAM goes to Bellevue College. My life is here whether I like it or not, so I might as well just suck it up and get a place here. I'm at least hoping that we'll be able to afford a nice place in West Bellevue or Wilburton. Fuck Crossroads, fuck 148th. I refuse to live there unless it's beautiful and private and I'm not surrounded stinky cooking or lots of children or thugs. I don't want to live in "New Belhi", so nowhere near Microsoft, thank you. And I'm not trying to live in little Me-hi-co either, so Crossroads is probably out. I want a nice, quiet area near downtown and near some nice parks/ trails so I can walk the dogs I will be getting. I don't mean to sound like a racist, because I'm not a racist. I just don't like lots of wild children or the smell of boiled cabbage or cops in my parking lot every night. I experienced that as a child/ teenager living in Bellevue Manor on 148th, and it was a nightmare, I hated that place, just pulling up to the place made my throat close on me. I'm allergic to that place. I will never go back. I deserve better than that. I've lived in enough ghettos over the years, I've been around plenty of out of control children, even lived with a couple for a while (white children, btw) and I don't wanna do it again. I'd rather just have my own house, but I can't afford a house in this area, so I have to get a condo, and if I'm getting a condo, it's gonna be somewhere nice or I'll just keep living with my dad. I don't want to be constantly annoyed by my neighbors and their obnoxious children and their domestic disputes or their thug teenagers. I'll be the only one with a Pit Bull, blaring Yeezy in my condo complex. THE ONLY ONE! And I hope my neighbors like the smell of steamed vegetables and veggie burgers, 'cause BG's coming and she's bringing her electric steamer with her!

I have this problem with coffee. When I drink it, I start drinking more of it than of any other substance. I drink it the same way I used to drink alcohol. First thing in the morning, all day, every day, and when I'm not drinking it, I'm thinking about drinking it. So, once again, I have to stop. I stopped before and it was terrible at first, but eventually I got used to it. Then I started drinking it again. I swear I need a 12-step program for coffee. And it's not even the caffiene so much as it is the coffee itself. I love the way it smells, the way it tastes, the way it feels going down my throat and into my stomach, all warm and milky. There is nothing better than a delicious cup of hot coffee. It soothes my soul on a cellular level. I think I was born with the coffee-loving gene. It runs in my family. My mom used to live off the shit when I was growing up. She constantly spilled coffee on the floor of the car, so the car always had this french vanilla/ coffee smell. She seriously brewed multiple pots a day and had a thermos full of it morning noon and night. My dad's a little better, but pretty much can't live without several cups every morning. When he went to China this time, he shipped several bags of it to Meiying's condo so he would have coffee for the two months that he's there. But I feel like it's more than just a pick-me-up. Actually, it does little as far as it's stimulant properties are concerned. It really has no affect on me in terms of energy or focus. I just like how it tastes. I love how it tastes. It's truly an addiction that gets out of hand every time I indulge. I'll be okay for a little while, but before I know it, it's totally taken over my life and I am dehyrdrated and overeating because my brain is sending a signal to my body that my body interprets as hunger when in reality I just need water. I drink coffee, eat, drink coffee, eat, and eat and eat...and then feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and remorse ans shame and I hate myself. I sit there pinching my belly fat, telliing myself what I fat failure I am. And all of this could be avoided if I could just quit coffee. I wish it wasn't so insanely delicious! But I'm stopping again tomorrow. I got some thermogenics that you're not allowed to have caffeine with because they have 100 mg of caffeine already. That's fine, at least this way I won't have withdrawal symptoms. No horrible headaches or insomnia. Another good thing about the thermogenics is that they require women to drink at LEAST 91 oz of water a day. I have been trying to drink 64 oz, and doing okay, but 91 oz will be a challenge. I think I can do it, though. As long as I add lemon to the water, I can drink it without much coercion. I start tomorrow with one pill in the morning a half hour before breakfast. Then I go to grandma's to play scrabble, the post office to ship the books I sold on Amazon, and then the gym. It's supposed to help with energy during workouts, too, but without the jitters of shit with ephedrine. It has over 8000 positive reviews on bodybuilding.com. So I'm looking forward to trying it. And since the antidepressant I take is not an SSRI, I shouldn't get Serotonin Syndrome fromt taking it. But if for some reason I do start to develop symptoms of SS, I can just stop taking it and the symptoms will subside and I can get a full refund from Super Supplements. But what I'm really upset about is that my dad is starting to have second thoughts about moving to China, even though that has been his plan for several years now, and he married a women who lives there, who could barely get a visa just to visit the U.S. for a few weeks. I don't know how the hell they expect to get her a greencard, but apparently that's the new plan. But the original plan was that he would sell the house and we would go fifty fifty on a house where I would live and he would use as his U.S. address, something he has to have in order to live in China as an ex-pat. And I could handle it if he and DL (Dragon Lady) came here to visit occasionally and stayed with me, but what happens if they end up living in the U.S? Then what? Because if I have to live with my dad for another year of my life, I will commit suicide. Please, don't take this seriously, it's just a figure of speech for dramatic effect. But what I AM serious about is needing NOT to live with my freaking dad anymore. I'm 31 years old. Enough is enough. I've spent way too many years of my life living with that man and I just can't imagine one more year, let alone several. I don't know what I would do if he and DL moved here and I ended up without my own house. I've been waiting for the day I can purchase this house for so long and I dream about it, fantasize about it, search for real estate online almost daily...I can't have one more dream taken away from me. Especially this one. I've already conceded my California dream home in order for HAM to go to business school at UW. That means I have to stay in this dark, dreary, rainy, miserable, superficial soul-sucking void of a city for who knows how many more years. Fine, I've suffered through most of my life in this place and I'm familiar with the suffering so I can deal with it. But suffering in this pit of plastic hell with my dad and his wife? I just can't bare the thought of it. I mean, I love DL. If it were just DL, I'd probably be okay with it. She's sweet and quiet most of the time, and we have A SHIT TON in common, so that would be fine. But the two of them together? Fuck no. Besides, in my opinion, my dad drinks too much and he takes all those pain pills and drinks with the pain pills, and he eats chocolate and ice cream and sausage and pizza and whatever the fuck he feels like, plus coffee every morning, which will torture me since I'm trying to live coffee free. He's always nodding out in front of the TV or in front of the computer, or getting shit-faced so I have to drive him to his car the next day out in Seattle. I don't wanna do it. Maybe it's selfish of me because he put up with so much of my shit for so long, but seriously, I can't imagine he's want to live with me and HAM anyway. Whatever happens, it needs to be separate from my life. And I need to come out of this with a house.