Well, here I sit with a list of things to do, and I've only started one thing, the rest of it I'm avoiding. It's a list of just some of the things I need to do for grad school, however, the one thing on the list that I started was the fucking laundry. It just overwhelms to the point of mental paralysis. There is so much work to do that I get so stressed out that I just edit photos with my photo editing software. It is something I can be hyper focusedd on without having to think. The personal statement makes me want to die. That's probably the worst part of the whole thing. A different personal statement (or, at least a little different) for each fucking school and i'm applying to 12 schools. Each one wants to know why I want to go there, and honestly, I don't really know why. I don't even know if I want to go.
See, that the other thing. I don't like to read. Today, I just decided to accept that about myself. I don't fucking like reading and I never have, doubt I ever will. I don't want to do that work, but that's the work that will make me a better writer. Then I think about how many times I've heard that my dialogue is the strongest aspect of my writing, and that when people read my writing, they feel as if they're watching a movie. So, am I trying to do the wrong thing, here? Maybe I'm supposed to be writing for TV. I don't like TV or movies that much either. Especially movies, which is why I say TV. There are a few shows that I do like, and the writing is quality on all of them.
I've recently been obsessively listening to WTF, a podcast created by Marc Maron, a comic, as they like to call themselves (rather than comedian). Through his show, I've discovered that I might be better suited for comedy writing. I don't think I could do stand-up, just because the crowd would destroy me through their eyes. But, I think I'm pretty funny, and I think I might be able to write for stand-ups, TV shows, whatever. I know how to be dramatic, too, obviously, so I could write serious shit as well. I don't know if this is ridiculous, but I mean, I am Jewish and I am an alcoholic and my parents are crazy, so I have the criteria to write comedy.
I guess I'm just feeling like all this grad school stuff is becoming too real. I don't really like anything to be truthful. To be really, painfully truthful, the only thing I like is the fantasy, no matter what the subject. Except food. I really do love food. Seriously, though, with relationships, I like to imagine what the asshole I'm with could be like. With sex, well, I'm always getting fucked, asked if I'll let them fuck my ass (umm, no.), and making me hold my legs in various unnatural positions. Usually it hurts, and it frequently cause infections. Like right, a urinary tract infection. It sucks. Movies are just too blody long to just sit there, not doing anything else. I can't just sit and passively watch something. It makes me insane with boredom. That's why I am so in love with talk radio. Because I can fuck around on my computer or drive my car or work out, or whatever, and it's there, in my ears, keeping me company, but I am still doing something while I'm being entertained.
And the something I'm doing is almost guaranteed to be something related to a fantasy rather than reality. I edit this photos of myself so I look better than I actually do. I research everything that strikes my fancy. I would rather just endlessly research than actually go out and apply my research to real life. Grad school was beautiful as a dream, but as a reality, as a thing, with a bunch of work, and a deadline, and the moving, the money, just all of it, isn't nearly as cool. When I really think about having to move to some shitty-ass town in Wyoming, some expensive-ass neighborhood in NYC, it doesn't excite me. I don't want to move to those places. The only school I'm applying to that is anywhere near where I'd like to be is UC-Riverside, not far from Los Angeles. And they have a screenwriting program as well as nonfiction. I feel like I saw it on some kind of notable list, but I can't remember. It's certainly not in the top 50. But it's on the west coast and it's relatively warm down there and it's not a zillion miles from home (which is something I didn't ever think I cared about until now).
I just don't feel the same about anything these days. It's not that I don't care, I really do fucking care about my life and what happens to me and my future, but I feel too overwhelmed (and conflicted) to do anything. I know I have to pull my head out of my ass and just do these applications, but I think my fear that I won't do them is so strong that it's coming true. But, what no one understands about me is that writing and singing are the only talents I have, the only crafts that I'm good at, and if I don't make it as a writer, I am seriously fucked. I mean, really fucking fucked. It's either writing or retail. If I have to go back to retail, I'll end up on the news for a murdering spree at my place of employment. Snapped Walgreen's sales clerk shoots and kills eleven, then self! That was a surprise ending. But it makes sense, because god knows I couldn't spend the rest of my life locked in a cage overloaded with crazy women. Anyway, what I'm saying is, this is it for me, this writing thing, regardless of what anyone else says, yet I'm too lazy and afraid to make it happen. But please, please believe me, I can't overemphasize the gravity of this being the only choice for me, grad school or not. When I think about doing anything other than writing for a living, I feel sick and depressed and like I won't really be living at all, but going through the motions, waiting to die.
That last line actually inspired me to write a couple rough paragraphs of my personal statement.
The drugs are fake...I'm pissed and tired. G'nite.
See, that the other thing. I don't like to read. Today, I just decided to accept that about myself. I don't fucking like reading and I never have, doubt I ever will. I don't want to do that work, but that's the work that will make me a better writer. Then I think about how many times I've heard that my dialogue is the strongest aspect of my writing, and that when people read my writing, they feel as if they're watching a movie. So, am I trying to do the wrong thing, here? Maybe I'm supposed to be writing for TV. I don't like TV or movies that much either. Especially movies, which is why I say TV. There are a few shows that I do like, and the writing is quality on all of them.
I've recently been obsessively listening to WTF, a podcast created by Marc Maron, a comic, as they like to call themselves (rather than comedian). Through his show, I've discovered that I might be better suited for comedy writing. I don't think I could do stand-up, just because the crowd would destroy me through their eyes. But, I think I'm pretty funny, and I think I might be able to write for stand-ups, TV shows, whatever. I know how to be dramatic, too, obviously, so I could write serious shit as well. I don't know if this is ridiculous, but I mean, I am Jewish and I am an alcoholic and my parents are crazy, so I have the criteria to write comedy.
I guess I'm just feeling like all this grad school stuff is becoming too real. I don't really like anything to be truthful. To be really, painfully truthful, the only thing I like is the fantasy, no matter what the subject. Except food. I really do love food. Seriously, though, with relationships, I like to imagine what the asshole I'm with could be like. With sex, well, I'm always getting fucked, asked if I'll let them fuck my ass (umm, no.), and making me hold my legs in various unnatural positions. Usually it hurts, and it frequently cause infections. Like right, a urinary tract infection. It sucks. Movies are just too blody long to just sit there, not doing anything else. I can't just sit and passively watch something. It makes me insane with boredom. That's why I am so in love with talk radio. Because I can fuck around on my computer or drive my car or work out, or whatever, and it's there, in my ears, keeping me company, but I am still doing something while I'm being entertained.
And the something I'm doing is almost guaranteed to be something related to a fantasy rather than reality. I edit this photos of myself so I look better than I actually do. I research everything that strikes my fancy. I would rather just endlessly research than actually go out and apply my research to real life. Grad school was beautiful as a dream, but as a reality, as a thing, with a bunch of work, and a deadline, and the moving, the money, just all of it, isn't nearly as cool. When I really think about having to move to some shitty-ass town in Wyoming, some expensive-ass neighborhood in NYC, it doesn't excite me. I don't want to move to those places. The only school I'm applying to that is anywhere near where I'd like to be is UC-Riverside, not far from Los Angeles. And they have a screenwriting program as well as nonfiction. I feel like I saw it on some kind of notable list, but I can't remember. It's certainly not in the top 50. But it's on the west coast and it's relatively warm down there and it's not a zillion miles from home (which is something I didn't ever think I cared about until now).
I just don't feel the same about anything these days. It's not that I don't care, I really do fucking care about my life and what happens to me and my future, but I feel too overwhelmed (and conflicted) to do anything. I know I have to pull my head out of my ass and just do these applications, but I think my fear that I won't do them is so strong that it's coming true. But, what no one understands about me is that writing and singing are the only talents I have, the only crafts that I'm good at, and if I don't make it as a writer, I am seriously fucked. I mean, really fucking fucked. It's either writing or retail. If I have to go back to retail, I'll end up on the news for a murdering spree at my place of employment. Snapped Walgreen's sales clerk shoots and kills eleven, then self! That was a surprise ending. But it makes sense, because god knows I couldn't spend the rest of my life locked in a cage overloaded with crazy women. Anyway, what I'm saying is, this is it for me, this writing thing, regardless of what anyone else says, yet I'm too lazy and afraid to make it happen. But please, please believe me, I can't overemphasize the gravity of this being the only choice for me, grad school or not. When I think about doing anything other than writing for a living, I feel sick and depressed and like I won't really be living at all, but going through the motions, waiting to die.
That last line actually inspired me to write a couple rough paragraphs of my personal statement.
The drugs are fake...I'm pissed and tired. G'nite.
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