Haha, how funny that I was writing about moving on yesterday and today I'm feeling a bit stuck. I realize that I have a huge amount of guilt for the stuff I did and said to HAM when we almost broke up. He said that he forgives me, but, damn, I don't forgive myself. I feel like such a terrible person, so ashamed of that whole scene. I wish it wasn't the only way to find out his true feelings for me. I wish he would have just told me when I asked him. I don't blame him for what happened - it was all my choice, but I know I wouldn't have wanted to run back to my ex if I knew that HAM wanted to be with me. All I wanted for months and months was for HAM to say "I love you". I kept thinking it was going to happen, like at certain moments when we were lying next to each other, looking in one another's eyes, being close and I felt love, but I know the rules: a girl can never be the one to say "I love you" first. It's a relationship death sentence. The guy HAS to say it first. And he wasn't saying it, even when I was sure he felt it. And after a while, I decided he must not love me, and that really hurt. And then I figured if he didn't love me, he didn't want to be with me in the future. So I asked him, and all he said was, "I can't predict the future." And that just hurt even more, because I was 30 at the time and feeling worried about my future. I wanted (and still want) a partner in life, a marriage, a lasting one. I want one man to love, who loves me, and I don't want to end up single again at 35. But he is a lot younger than me, smart, funny, good-looking, likeable, and I started feeling horribly insecure. And then I've got this crazy person, my ex, who is madly in love me, starting asking me to marry him after less than a week. He took me to meet his mom the day I met him. He is much older than me and ready to be married and have a family. But even though he had those aspects, he is still a crazy, abusive liar and when I left I knew I would never go back. My therapist says I was scared and attempting to rub back to something emotionally (albeit not physically) safe. That makes sense logically, but realistically, it's still just stupid. I never wanted to be with him again, I was just afraid of being old and alone and having no one to love me. I always wanted the person to love me to be HAM, not my ex, not at all! But HAM started to seem like someone I couldn't count on for the future, because he didn't seem very enthusiastic about it, he didn't hardly seem to have an opinion at all. I know that no one can predict the future, anything can happen, plans change, people change, and nothing is set in stone, but even if all that is true, plans still mean something. They represent things. Planning on a future with someone means something to me. HAM saying that he can't predict the future felt like he didn't want to commit to or our relationship. HAM never saying "I love you" made that lack of commitment feel even worse. And as much as I liked him, loved him, wished he loved me, I didn't want to feel like I was just in another boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because those things have always ended for me, usually in a very painful way. But HAM is the first guy I've ever been with who is worthy of my love, and of my desire to marry him, be with him forever, treat him as well as I possibly can, he is the only one deserving of all that I have to offer to a relationship, so it's that much more important to me that he loves and wants to be with me. He said that one day we would get married, but it was not a proposal. He has not proposed to me, he's still getting over that stuff with my ex, and I have to be patient. But I'm constantly beating myself up about it and again, feeling like I don't deserve his love and like he might not ever ask me to marry him now because I'm too terrible of a person to deserve all he has to offer to a relationship, his love, his commitment. Like I blew it, and the dumbest part is I blew it because of how badly I wanted it. I hope that ends up not being true, but like HAM said, you can't predict the future. Anything could happen. I'm just tired of being disappointed and hurt. I want us to be together, be happy, exercise, and eat organic, vegan diets.
Which is a whole other topic. I'm reading one of my favorite authors, John Robbins, book Food Revolution. I read Diet for a New America years and years ago, and it was so inspiring to me as a vegetarian. I have lost my way a bit recently, but I'm trying to get back to my veg roots lately. One of the things in my life that I have been the most proud of is eating vegetarian, but I realize that just isn't enough. I really need to go all the way and eat only a plant-based diet with no animal products whatsoever. Before I only did it for the animals (which is reason enough) but in Food Revolution, I am realizing just how imperative it is to my health. Heart disease and obesity run in my family, and the number one cause of heart disease is a diet high in saturated fat and cholesterol. I can't get away with eating eggs (or chicken, which I was eating during a terrible allergy boubt where I couldn't eat soy, dairy, or gluten) because they are just as high in cholesterol as beef. And that's not made up, that's a fact. In fact, a serving of chicken breast actually has more cholesterol than a serving of lean ground beef. And one egg beats both of them by over 100 grams of cholesterol! I just don't need anything contributing to the detriment of my health. Both of my grandfathers died of heart disease, as well as suffering from heart disease for many years before their deaths. My grandmother died of heart disease, too. Gotta go, more later!
Which is a whole other topic. I'm reading one of my favorite authors, John Robbins, book Food Revolution. I read Diet for a New America years and years ago, and it was so inspiring to me as a vegetarian. I have lost my way a bit recently, but I'm trying to get back to my veg roots lately. One of the things in my life that I have been the most proud of is eating vegetarian, but I realize that just isn't enough. I really need to go all the way and eat only a plant-based diet with no animal products whatsoever. Before I only did it for the animals (which is reason enough) but in Food Revolution, I am realizing just how imperative it is to my health. Heart disease and obesity run in my family, and the number one cause of heart disease is a diet high in saturated fat and cholesterol. I can't get away with eating eggs (or chicken, which I was eating during a terrible allergy boubt where I couldn't eat soy, dairy, or gluten) because they are just as high in cholesterol as beef. And that's not made up, that's a fact. In fact, a serving of chicken breast actually has more cholesterol than a serving of lean ground beef. And one egg beats both of them by over 100 grams of cholesterol! I just don't need anything contributing to the detriment of my health. Both of my grandfathers died of heart disease, as well as suffering from heart disease for many years before their deaths. My grandmother died of heart disease, too. Gotta go, more later!
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